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My Story

If you and I have not had to chance to meet I want for you to be able to say that you know me by the time you have read this.

For this is, my story.

I am the youngest of 2 girls. My sister Lori and I are 18 months apart and therefore very close in age. We were raised by parents that loved us and did their very best to give us everything that we ever wanted and needed. We were fortunate enough to be able to attend a private Christian school starting in Kindergarten. Although we weren't necessarily raised in a Christian home we were taught the word of God and the principles of Jesus 5 days a week, 4o-something weeks a year. As I grew up and wanted to go to Junior High youth group or High School Group winter camps at church my parents always found a way for me to go. I attended this same Christian school all the way through and graduated with those same classmates in 1994. I came to know Jesus as my personal saviour at the age of 8 years old at a Christian Camp.

Little did I know the profound impact that those years of life with Jesus would have.

For as long as I can remember I always imagined myself being married in my early twenties. Then I would have 6 kids and be a stay at home mom. I would wear my cooking apron with pride and keep a perfect "June Cleaver" home. Afterall, I knew with every ounce of my heart that I was created to be a mom. That was my purpose and my hearts desire.

After high school I got a job in the escrow business and then later into the mortgage industry. When I was 26 years old I was introduced to a guy that I thought was SO cute. So cute and charming that I would break up with my boyfriend at the time so that I could date him. We quickly fell madly in love. Wait, did I mention that he didn't know Jesus? Well, he didn't. But that didn't matter because he was really cute and charming. Afterall, I would change him.

So we dated and fell deeper in love. I was spending all of my time with him. Surely, I could sleep over at his house every other night and then drag him to church on Sunday so he could learn about Jesus right?!?!? Wrong.

So, at 26 years old and not married I surprisingly found myself to be pregnant. WHAT?!?! How did this happen?? What will my parents say?? I never wanted to dissapoint them and this surely would break their hearts.

It didn't. My mom and step-dad responded with tender love and mercy just like Jesus would if he were sitting in their kitchen that night. My dad did the same. I was graciously loved and supported and knew that everything was going to be ok.

Jason (the cute boyfriend) suddenly changed though. He wasn't so cute all of the sudden. He was excited about the baby to an extent but now all that talk of love and marriage went out the door. It was like he was now a different person. But I was ok. I figured no matter what that this baby was going to be loved and cared for. I was a little backward on my approach but I was going to have a SON! I was so excited to have a little boy. I found myself on my knees asking the Lord to forgive my shortcomings and for the life of sin that I had been living. I wanted this baby to know Jesus and to know how loved he was.

God is faithful.

While Jason decided to move on with his life, all I could do was cling to Christ. I knew he had a plan for me and my life. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. plans to give you hope and a future." It would all be ok.

William Cole would be his name. William, after my most favorite grandpa and Cole was just the name I had always loved. We would call him Cole.
William Cole Gawf.

As the end of my pregnancy neared I was surrounded by so many amazing people. It was like God handpicked them and delicately placed them in the most perfect spot in my life. The fact that my mom "ran into" my best friend from elementary and high school at Pottery Barn was perfectly ordained by the hand of God. For she was one of those that were there to carry me through the darkest days of my entire life.

If I only knew.

If I only knew that pain that I was about to encounter would I have done it anyway? Yes, in a heartbeat. Without thought or question.

On July 22nd 2003, just 3 weeks away from my due date, there was no movement. The wacky baby that I sometimes thought was going to crawl out of my side like the movie Alien or crack one of my ribs with his feet was suddenly silent. As my mom and I hurried to the women's hospital I never thought that what was about to happen was even a possibility.

I can still feel the dr. sitting at my bed side with the gel on my belly from the ultra sound machine. With his sweet demeanor and years of experience he said to me, "I'm sorry, but your baby has died".

DIED???

what?!?!?

How could that be????

What happened???

What did I do to deservce this???

I even responded with the silliest comment. I said "what does that mean". Looking back I don't actually think I wondered what it meant but more of what did that mean for me? What would I do? How did this happen? Was he sure? There had to be some kind of mistake.

As my own mama laid across my belly and let out a cry like I had never heard before, it hit me. He was gone. Every dream and every hope that I had ever imagined were gone forever. In a split secornd my life and my heart were shattered. Utterly broken.

God is still faithful.

Over the next few hours labor was induced and 19 hours later at 4:01pm on Wednesday afternoon, July 23, 2003. William Cole Gawf was born. He was perfect in every way. 6 pounds 3 ounces of perfection. Curly brown hair and all. He was built just like my dad. Big hands, big feet and a long torso. He was going to be a big guy I just knew it. After he was born he was swaddled up with a hat on and loved and held by everyone in the room.

All of those people that God placed perfectly into my life during my pregnancy were in that hospital room. To comfort me and to meet him. For as long as we had him he touched so many lives. My dad caught the next flight from Northern California, my lifelong precious friend flew herself and her children all the way from Colorado and made it before he was born. My sister drove from LA, Tracy drove all the way from Washington DC to Louisiana to catch a flight to be by my side. I could go on and on about the goodness of God. He literally surrounded me with His grace by sending those to be by my side.

A circumstance that seems odd and maybe even gross to some was perfect. God's amazing Grace fell like ran on that room. There was no chaos or fear. Each persons movement was quiet and still. I swear that you could see God's grace in a very real way.

I saw God that day.

I saw His face and I felt His touch. He would be the very one to carry me through. Minute by minute. Hour by hour. Day by Day. He saw each tear that fell and would never let me fall.

I never imagined that this was the plan for my life.

"How could anything good come of this?", I wondered. I would have done ANYTHING to have him back. Just for one day. Anything.

As the days passed and life continued. I fully relied on God to carry me. And he did. It was like He and I were one person. I was tucked under his wing and protected by His perfect grace.

The best advice I was ever given.

The best advice I was ever give was by my "other" father, Jack Forness. He was my pastor and long time friend. He told me that the best thing that I could do at a time such as this was to grieve. Well duh! I was grieving! Can't you see the grief written all over my face? I mean my son just died right!?

Not necessarily.

Grieving is a choice.

You don't have to grieve when you lose someone or something you love. I could have just swept ALLLL of those emotions under the nearest "rug" and gone on with my life. I could have kept going like nothing had happen. I could have turned to alchohol or anti depressents just to get through each day. That would be easier right??? Well...Yes, that would be easier....for now. But again the faithfulness of God never fails.

I started a journal of all of my thoughts. Now let me tell you they aren't pretty. My sister is a MFT (marriage & family therapist). She told me not to be afraid of what I write and not to hold back. So I didn't. Some days I would just sob and write. Some days I was so mad that I would just write the "F" word in big capital letters and CRY OUT to God.....W H Y????? Why me? What did I ever do to deserve this? Some days I wanted to go and lay by his grave and die right along with him. Other days I wanted to get online and apply to adopt another baby because THAT surely would make me feel better.

I never got an answer.

To this day, I've never been given an answer. God never sent me a letter or a message that said, "Dear Lisa, this is why your son died _______". But you know, it wouldnt have mattered if He did. There would never be an answer sufficient enough to satisfy my soul. But I made a decision the day Cole was born. That no matter how excruciating the pain of my broken heart was that I knew that Jesus loved me and I trusted that He had a plan to prosper me and not to harm me. That had been written on the tablet of my heart from an early age. I knew that Jesus loved me with a love that I could never have fathomed and that I would always follow him. He had proven His unfailing love thus far and I knew he wasn't going to let me fall on my face now.

I was created to be a mom.

And now, I finally was. Cole is my oldest son.

I now have 4 children. And that "off and on" boyfriend. He is their father. He loves Cole like he was his own. He talks to our children about him and he is the one that is there to remind me that I will see my son again.

But for now I will do this.

I will teach my children the love of Jesus and I will minister to moms. I will love on them and honor them for who they are. There is a thread that binds us. A mom is a mom, no matter what. I will gently remind them that whether or not their children are here on earth or in the lap of Jesus that they are loved and that God has a perfect plan for them.

Moms, You are important and LOVED. You are doing work that matters and that effects little hearts for the kingdom of God!

I will encourage them to raise their children to love Jesus. For no matter what circumstance their children might encounter as they grow up, if they rely on Jesus and know him, He WILL carry them through. I promise.

Thanks mom, dad and Jimbo - you impacted my life for the kingdom by teaching me about Jesus as a little girl.

God is good, Always.

Lisa

Lisa Gawf Ruiz | Encouragement For Moms

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